Even though I was sitting among thousands of fans, I was surprised to feel a tap on my left shoulder. The stadium seats were close, but the seat to my left was empty and my seat back abutted a concrete wall. Random contact with a stranger from that side seemed unlikely.
When I glanced left, I saw the quick withdrawal of the hand of a man sitting two seats away. He was average in size with an athletic build, but without a thought, he sprawled from his own seat into nearly every other one around him. He slouched, so his knees encroached into the head space of those sitting in the row in front of us. He extended his right arm heavily over the back of the empty seat between us, inadvertently tapping my shoulder several times throughout the match.
Unfortunately, while incredibly annoying, his conduct wasn’t entirely surprising. Human nature causes us to be hyper-focused on our own wants and needs. For some reason, over time we have normalized a certain level of rude or unacceptable behavior as inevitable, even if we don’t like it. Videos of people acting atrociously litter the news and social media.
And yet, we need to coexist peacefully and aim to thrive together, so how can we do this better?
1. RECOGNIZE THE PROBLEM
Overreach is certainly not limited by gender, but most women can point to a time when they were talked over in a conversation by someone who thought they knew better or wanted to get to their point faster. Impatient drivers of both sexes use the shoulder to speed past a long line of traffic, only to ditch the line at the end as they nose their way into the flow of cars near the front. We lefties contort ourselves in any number of ways to fit more easily into a right-handed world; unless I can grab the far left or end seat at a table, I eat with my arms pressed to my sides to avoid elbowing the (usually right-handed) person next to me.
Think about your own life. When have others encroached into your physical or emotional space? Or when were you the one spilling beyond your bounds? How did you react?
2. ADOPT A CONSTRUCTIVE ATTITUDE
Sometimes it can be challenging, but attitude is everything. Even if calling someone out for their behavior is warranted, is the level of your response appropriate or are you escalating things unnecessarily? Flying off the handle in frustration when a situation isn’t going as you’d like is tempting, but rarely productive.
On a plane flight, I sat between two physically larger women who struggled to fit within the confines of their seats. To their credit, however, they both adjusted as best they could in a sincere attempt to keep from spilling over the narrow armrests into my seat. I greatly appreciated the effort, sat as straight and centered as I could, and we had a pleasant flight.
Considering others doesn’t mean relinquishing power or position. As a manager, I lead well by allowing others to feel like they are active participants in a group effort that will benefit the whole organization. I may ultimately make the final decision after listening to constructive ideas, but letting others have their say without interrupting or minimizing them goes a long way toward a better work environment. At home, showing respect to my husband and our children lifts us all up and makes our home life much more enjoyable.
How can you shift your attitude to allow others to thrive while still being mindful of your own wants and needs? The two goals don’t have to conflict. Is there a way to nudge others to do the same? Sometimes just getting the conversation started is all it takes for real progress to happen.
3. DEFY EXPECTATIONS
People might be doing what society and personal circumstances have trained or allowed them to do to get ahead or be successful. But past practice is not an excuse to continue bad behavior. No matter your background or gender, you should feel free to take up your own space, while respecting the rights of others to do the same. Finally changing the cultural norm that accepts unwanted overreach will put us on the right path toward healthier interactions and relationships.
So the next time someone is feeling a little too comfortable encroaching into your literal or figurative space, don’t hesitate to call them on it, as respectfully as you can. And make sure your own actions make you part of the solution instead of the problem. Pay attention to the needs of those around you. Despite our differences, our interconnection makes us stronger (and often happier!). We all share this one beautiful planet, but we must all get the opportunity to take up our own space to fully participate and enjoy the ride.
