As a friend and I crossed a street in Manhattan this past weekend, a couple of young guys exchanged tense words on the opposite side of the intersection. Apparently, one of them had stepped off the curb close to the path of the other, who was riding a motorcycle through the green light.
The motorcycle rider stopped in the busy traffic and yelled some choice words at the pedestrian. At which point the pedestrian yelled something back and the rider got off the motorcycle. The situation escalated as they traded insults on the street corner. You’d see one start to leave, only to be called back by the other trying to have the last word.
The rest of us kept our eyes on an elderly woman using a walker nearby. She moved slowly around them to cross the street just before the light changed. Surprisingly, she seemed unaffected by their drama and made it across safely.
We weren’t sure the altercation would resolve as well.
Should the pedestrian have looked before stepping off the curb into traffic? Absolutely.
Could the motorcycle rider have assumed the pedestrian was just being careless instead of taking it as a personal slight? For sure.
And even if the cyclist got annoyed, could the pedestrian have just backed up, said “my bad” and walked away? One hundred percent.
But instead, either bravado or background (or both) trained these guys to armor up. They each took offense to the other’s actions. Backing down showed “weakness” they couldn’t allow. So, they went after each other verbally at a moment that didn’t warrant that level of confrontation.
Thankfully, with a police station at the other end of the block, they eventually decided to cool it, and both eased away. But it begs the question: why do we get so riled up when someone acts in a way that’s inconvenient to us?
Even when it’s hard, we can choose to react differently, even in the most stressful situations.
As a psychologist I know stood in line to order a bagel at a coffee shop one day, an agitated guy came in waving a gun and making demands. The psychologist thought: do I really believe what I teach about relationships and anger management? He knew if he didn’t try something, people might be seriously hurt.
So instead of making it about himself and his own fear and discomfort with the situation, he practiced what he preached. He put his hands up, slowly approached the armed man and asked, “Are you ok? What do you need right now?”
To his surprise, the guy softened ever so slightly and said in a gruff voice, “I’m so hungry and I can’t afford to buy any food.” Bingo.
The psychologist moved slowly over to the counter and asked the worker to give him whatever they had been preparing for the next customer. He gave the gunman the food and watched as he sat down at a table to eat it. The cops eventually came and the man was arrested, but amazingly, no one was hurt.
Since this harrowing experience, the coffee shop now offers free food to those who can’t afford it. Customers can opt to give an extra dollar or two when they pay to help fund the program. And hungry individuals get food voluntarily instead of feeling desperate enough to take it by force.
Are there mental health and other complex issues that should be addressed to prevent this type of violence from happening in the first place? Of course. But the store owners did what they could do: offer free food with a dose of compassion to help people in need.
Instead of escalating the situation by panicking or creating more stress, the psychologist tried to diffuse it by meeting the person in front of him where he was. Asking him what he needed. And then trying to address that need.
Sometimes, people just want to feel seen, heard, or validated.
Especially when the situation isn’t nearly as dramatic, that’s something we can all do.
Beloved NBC weatherman and journalist Al Roker offered this sage advice to the graduating Class of 2025 at Siena College over the weekend:
Sometimes grace is louder than outrage. Sometimes you change the world not by kicking through the front door, but by holding it open for the next person.
Well said, Al. Well said.
It’s so easy to take offense when someone says or does something that bothers you. But let’s try a different approach.
Before reacting, pause to ask yourself what their behavior is trying to tell you. However poorly they are communicating it, what do they really need in that moment? Can you help provide it?
As best you can, use grace instead of outrage to resolve the situation.
(Photo credit NBC/Getty Images)
