When the waiter first approached the table, I greeted him with a smile and a quick “Hi, how are you?” I expected him to come back with the usual “fine.”
But after a split-second pause, his response was more insightful: “Crazy busy tonight but keeping up, thanks so much for asking.”
His whole vibe exuded warmth and welcome. He seemed pleased that someone he was paid to serve cared about his well-being, too. And I felt at ease and happy to be there. All from that brief interaction. Words have that kind of power.
For the record, FINE is my least favorite four-letter word. It’s not bleeped out in conversations like racier four-letter words, but maybe it should be.
FINE is non-descriptive and neutral. The speaker’s tone or facial expression might help you guess what they mean, but often it’s hard to say. Telling someone you’re fine is a knee-jerk response that rarely connects people.
Despite all our online connections, a loneliness epidemic plagues our society, according to U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy. We need to raise the bar on how we interact to combat it. Small changes can make a big difference. Higher quality connections, says Dr. Murthy, not just more points of contact, are the key.
To make higher quality connections, the way we greet each other matters. Here’s how we can do it better:
1 – Be intentional with your words
It’s a given that carefully choosing the right words helps us connect more deeply. But let’s be honest. Sometimes we just don’t have much time. At a minimum, it’s enough to make eye contact (put down your phone!) and give a genuine “hello” or “hi, it’s great to see you again.” A sincere but brief statement – recognizing the other person with no expectation of a detailed response – works in a pinch.
When you have more than a few seconds to spare, though, a smile and a genuine “hi, how are you doing today?” or “how are you doing…really?” goes a long way. These questions show you are trying to connect more intentionally. You aren’t asking for their life story, but you’re inviting the other person to say something more than a one-word answer.
Get creative with your wording if you’re interested in more details. When I asked my kids the routine “how was your day?” after school, I got the same response 99% of the time – “Fine.” What did that even mean? Fine, because they aced their test? Fine, because at least they got through the day even though their friend shoved them on the playground? Such an inadequate word.
Instead, I learned to ask, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What was the most frustrating thing that happened to you today?” Their mental wheels started spinning and I got a much more descriptive answer. Sometimes it even led to a conversation about a win worth celebrating or something that was bothering them. Now that’s a meaningful parent-child connection!
2 –Dare to be real
When the tables are turned and someone asks how you are, read the room. Do they seem rushed without interest in a lengthy response? Giving them a standard one-word response like “ok” or “good” still works, but like with my waiter, a more creative answer shows how you really are and only takes a few seconds more.
Being real fosters deeper connections, but it can be hard to do. Our culture pressures people to put their best foot forward in public, to show you have everything under control. So even if you’ve banished the word FINE from your vocabulary (as you should), when someone asks how you are, it’s tempting to respond ”Feeling great, thanks for asking,” regardless of whether or not that’s true.
It takes a little courage to admit you’re having “Kind of a crappy day at work so far but looking forward to being a couch potato and watching the game tonight!” And it takes even more vulnerability to say you’re ”Dealing with some hard stuff right now, but getting through it day by day.”
These types of responses open the door for deeper conversation if either of you want to dive in. Or just provide an opportunity for compassion if you don’t want to share further. But if the door’s slammed shut by a one-word answer, there’s little chance for a meaningful connection.
Don’t let opportunities to connect with those around you slip away.
Think about the words you’ll use the next time you greet a stranger or a friend. Can you be creative in how you ask about them? Challenge yourself to craft a question that can’t have “fine” as a response. Use it as your go-to greeting that fosters deeper connections.
And when someone asks how you’re doing, tell the truth – not in a weird way that makes people uncomfortable, but that actually reflects how you feel in that moment, even if you keep it short or use general terms. You’ll appreciate being given the chance to be real.
And you’ll be saved from uttering my least favorite four-letter word.
